Aspiring women Bishops are leaving the Church of England in their droves and moving to worship the Dark Lord Satan according to the latest figures released by the Office of National statistics this morning. It appears that despite the agreement of the Synod to reconsider the matter of women Bishops next year, many lady vicars are disillusioned by the lack of career progression within the Church of England and are shunning God as a Managing Director, instead applying for positions working under Lucifer, the man of sin and father of lies.
A church insider told us “It’s a terrible shame. Bishops wear dresses anyway so many within the church think women would be ideal in these positions. Already scientists have completed a special ‘Hover Cassock’ so they’ll float several feet above the ground, a bit like nuns do. But the whole thing’s dragging on so bloody slowly, I’m not surprised they’re all defecting to follow the Prince of Darkness and demons. Ultimately it’s a competitive market out there and women have to find the best employer.”
One such newly employed lady Dark Priest was full of admiration for her new employer, “I wasn’t at all convinced when I was first approached by the Church of Satan. The idea of biting the heads of chickens and going on the occasional murderous rampage didn’t really seem my cup of tea. However, there’s very little overt sexism and women are able to climb the career ladder indefinitely. As long as nobody sacrifices them along the way.” She giggled.
Those within the church who are pro women Bishops are sadly left in a quandary with still no hope of any lady Bishop vacancies for at least another year. However, Archbishop of Canterbury, the Right Reverend Justin Welby told us that he may have thought of a way round it. “I’m fucked if we’re going to pay good money training these people up so they can just go and work for that Beelzebub. What we’ll probably do is dress all Bishops up as Daleks and nobody will actually know if they’re male or female” he hypothesised.
